Emotion

I have always been a factual, analytical type of girl. I like numbers because they always add up the way they are supposed to. I like to read balance sheets because, well, they balance. I enjoy symmetry and have been know to line up the jars of baby food in my pantry. I like cabinet doors closed, shoes lined up, and my towels folded like they are in Bed, Bath, & Beyond. Basically, I like order. (I am not as extreme as the guy in "sleeping with the enenmy" nor do I have OCD!)

So, with my love of order and organization, at times, it does feel like a cosmic joke that I have four boys under the age of six. Jeffrey, who does like order, also enjoys throwing his underwear at the ceiling fan to see if they will hang and spin. Brantley, who loves to sweep and mop, likes to throw his food off his high-chair. And Blake, well, if you know Blake, he is like a battering ram that knocks over anything in his path. We are constantly picking up after the kids and cleaning the kitchen. If you ask what I do all day, I would say, clean the kitchen. After all, 6 of us are eating out of it for three meals a day, and it has to be cleaned.

I would like my emotions to be kept in order as well. After all, there should be time for fun, time for discipline, time to cry, etc.; and it would be much more convenient for me if I could schedule and organize my emotions. You know, from 1 to 1:15 on Monday, Wednesday, and alternating Fridays, we will all sit down and have a good cry - clean out the emotional well and then be healthy and happy at all other times. To my dismay, things are not working out this way. There are times when I think I will be emotional, and I am rock solid, not a tear to be found. Then there are times when I am feeling completely sane and suddenly I feel a nice bawl session coming on. Someone said something kind to me at church this morning and it made me cry. Dang it! I find this highly irritating, especially when I have make-up on.

I have been told that this is "normal," but I have come to dislike that word as well, but not nearly as much as I dislike misting up when I really don't want to. I have been reminded that I am only 9 weeks post-partum and my hormones are still running wild. I have been reminded that I have experienced a "trauma" - although that now seems a tad melodramatic. I do remember feeling when I found out Andrew's diagnosis that my heart had burst into a thousand pieces. Thankfully, God is gluing them back together. The edges are a litte raw still, so, I guess I am left to go with the raw emotion that real life brings. I think, in the long run of my life, this is going to make me a better person. If we are to live from our hearts, what God calls, our "wellsprings of life," emotion is going to be an integral part of that. Sometimes our springs just spring a leak!
Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."