Yes, I have lost a lot of weight...

I have avoided posting about this for quite some time since, well, it makes me admit to being FAT, but I have answered the question in public so many times now, that, I suppose, I will finally blog about it.

Let's see if we can get a picture...

Ok, to be fair to myself, this shot was taken a week or so after Andrew was born. But, it does make for a pretty good, OH MY factor when you see the "after."

I have struggled with my weight for years (like the last 12-13 years). I was thin through high school and part of college and then I got married, got a job and sat around a lot. It was then that I discovered and perfected the fine art of stress eating. We would eat to celebrate, eat to worry, eat for the sake of eating, etc. Lots of psycho-babble, but also lots of eating.

I love to cook. I love to eat, but I hated what it was doing to my body. Somewhere along the way, I stopped listening to when I was hungry and when I was full. I paid little attention to the scale. Beth Moore, one of my fav. Bible teachers gave it a good name last week. She called it "friendly captivity." It seems harmless at first - a meal here - a meal there. But before you know it, I had lost control.

I would diet some, excercise some, and did lose weight a few times. I NEVER reached my "goal." I never got "there." After a while, I began to doubt that "there" existed. What I find so incredibly strange about the whole thing, is that I never really felt horrible about myself. I knew I was loved by God, my husband, my family. I felt like I looked nice when I went out, etc. But I also knew, deep down, that I wanted to look better - not perfect - but better - a healthier me.

I wrote a post soon after Andrew was born - about NOW being the time. NOW still is the perfect time to do anything God has called us to do. The difference is that this time I really wanted to go the distance - have resolve - make my goal. I also knew that having Andrew was going to be stessful, and God had already revealed to me that I was using food as an idol - a comfort replacement that only He could provide - so my journey from captivity started.

A dear friend started dragging me to the gym with her last summer. The difference was that if I did not make it there for a few days, I would start back up again quickly - not quit. Was I and am I perfect about going? - NO - but I keep at it and keep at it. I started looking at how we ate and praying about what to do. The weight started coming off ever so slowly.

Spring came and that same friend and another friend told me about a local doctor, and yes, I took drugs to help me lose the rest of the weight. Here is a BIG NOTE to all of you - this is NOT the answer for everyone, but it was part of my journey. Weight loss is one of those intensely private (yet very public) issues that each person has to go through - them and God alone. What works for me may not be the plan for you - and your plan is not my plan. It is what it is. It was much like infertility - my road may be much different than most, but mine, none-the-less. I would also like to add that the pills are not a magic bullet that sews your mouth shut. Yes, they do help, but you have to work too.

So, here I am a year and a half later...

This picture actually shocked me when I saw it. You see, I am still me (if that makes sense) and it was so strange to see such a different version of me. I don't feel all that different. I don't see such a huge difference until I see a picture. It does still shock me to get on the scale in the morning and see such a different number than I am used to. Yes, I do worry about gaining it all back and then some, but I can only take one day at a time. I do praise God and God alone for helping me get this far. I am grateful that amidst my other trials and issues of the current day that my weight is not looming over me. Weight is a heavy thing to carry emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Numbers of the scale and the size of your jeans can do strange things to your head. It has been easier to focus on the important with my weight not always looming before (or more aptly, behind me).

I did know that I needed to take care of myself if I was going to dare try to care for others, and I do know that loving others is our Biblical mandate - to love others as ourselves. If I can't love myself enough to care for myself, who am I kidding that I can even think about loving on someone else? I know it is a fine line between self-care and being a narcisstic wench, so if I cross the line, let me know (lovingly, of course.)

There is a great life skill that Weight Watchers teaches about dieting, lifestyle, etc, and I think of it often. It is this - if you are falling down a flight of stairs, don't you do everything in your power to stop the fall? Dieting (for lack of a better word) is the same way. If I have an "off" day it does not mean that I have to binge for a week and start again next week, next month, next year. It means that the next time I need to eat, I do better. It means if I don't work-out today, I go tomorrow or later tonight. And the list goes on and on. Previously, one out-of-control meal would lead to another and another till the days turned into years. With God's help, the cycle is slowing and stopping.

So, I reached my goal weight. I guess I made it "there." (still not sure where that is!). It does feel great to be here. No, I do not have anything to wear, and while it is fun to wear smaller sizes, I have to start OVER - from the undies out, if you know what I mean. It is terrifying to get rid of all my old clothes (which I have done) and just as scary to rebulid with smaller sizes. That may sound crazy, but if you have never had a zillion different sized clothing in your closet, then you don't understand anything I am saying anyway.

Losing weight did not solve any other problems in my life - only God can work those out - but NOW was the time, and NOW is the time, and for that, I am grateful.

Now for the things people have said to me... (please don't be offended if you see your response here. I really have not been offended by ANYONE who has said something to me. It is a tad awkward for other people, I know, since saying WOW you lost weight implies the admission that I HAD weight to lose, so lets not be touchy, ok?)

• Oh, my GOSH, you cut all your hair off! (hmmm, yes, I did, but you are probably noticing that I've lost a lot of weight, not my hair.)
• I didn't even recognize you! (this is the most alarming one - however - after looking at the pictures, I'll extend grace on this one.)
• You look SO MUCH YOUNGER. (four boys, well, living with five boys will make anyone look old, so yes, this is a good thing, thank you.)
• I bet you feel better. (why, yes, in some ways I do feel better. My blood pressure is down and my self-esteem is probably up, but I have to say, now that my butt is gone, it hurts my tailbone to sit for long periods of time.)
• Can you eat this??? (this is said by well-concerned citizens that don't want to serve me something that will ruin my "diet." I really am not on a "diet" anymore. I eat whatever I really want - just a lot LESS of it - and I don't really eat a lot of sugar or a lot of carbs).

So there's the reader's digest version of my very long story. I have omitted my actual weights and number of pounds I lost so you dear readers do not compare yourself to me! I am not trying to torture you and am happy to give numbers to your brains if you desire. I just know myself, and know that I would think - wow - I wonder if I am that big/small, etc. I didn't want this post to be about numbers, a diet that I am selling, etc. I did want to praise the Lord for brining me this far on my journey of life and let all your enquiring minds know that I don't have some dreadful illness that has made me thin. (I have been asked this as well - you aren't really sick, are you??).